Siblings Providing Care To Aging Parent(s)

[ photo by Lucas Costa ]

Dividing up care of aging parent(s).

The majority of the families I work with who are providing care to an aging parent have at least one sibling, if not more. In one sense, this is such a huge blessing in that the siblings can work together to shoulder the task of providing the necessary care for Mom or Dad.

In another sense, however, this can be tough, often leading to resentment towards each other.

I have seen even the closest of siblings feel frustrated and angry with the others if one feels like they are carrying more of the burden than the other. This “carrying of the burden” can manifest while the parents are still alive or might not become apparent until after the parents pass and the splitting up of the inheritance occurs. 

Communication is key.

Let’s start with the example of a family of four children, 2 boys and 2 girls, who are sharing the responsibility of caring for their widowed mom. Mom stayed in her house for a few years after Dad died, but it was beginning to be too much for Mom and the adult children to keep up with, and Mom was starting to need increased assistance in caring for herself. She even had a few falls, scaring both herself and the kids, so the decision was made for her to move into assisted living.

(Related blog post: From Independent Living To Senior Assisted Living Facility)

Mom was not overly excited about this, but understood the rationale for why this decision was best for her, so she made the move. All was well for a while, but then Mom started to decline.

She had a few hospitalizations here and there and just never really seemed to bounce back to where she was prior to the hospitalizations. Three of the four kids are local, but one son lives out of state. Naturally, he is unable to provide hands-on assistance, but to make up for it, he manages Mom’s finances. The daughters just try to take turns in providing the hands-on assistance Mom needs that isn’t available through assisted living. The son that lives nearby tries to fill in any gaps that might come up, especially if the sisters are out of town.

This setup has worked pretty well so far, but as Mom has continued to decline, she is needing more and more help. The additional help required is starting to become less predictable, leading to the need for one of the kids to make a quick change in any plans that might have already been in place.

(Related blog posts: Respite Care Services, Caring For Dementia Caregivers)

This setup was planned ahead of time by the four siblings, and everyone was in pretty good agreement with it. The siblings are close and are fully aware of the risk of holding resentment towards each other should she or he end up carrying more of the burden.

The vital step these siblings are taking is communicating with each other.

They are meeting together (in-person or at least through a conference call) on a one to two month basis, or more frequently when needed, to report to each other how Mom and each of them are doing. This is healthy and has seemed to work so far for this family. This situation is fairly ideal in that each of the siblings have a somewhat defined role and are fully aware of which of the siblings might be getting the larger burden of care. In doing so, they have each known when they need to do more to ensure the others are feeling supported.

So the large takeaway from this situation is to communicate with each other, and not just once, but regularly. Things change over time and the burden of care is also going to change. 

Lack of planning leads to relationship breakdown.

Now I want to move onto a different family situation I was told of. This was a family of three siblings. Two of the three kids lived out of state. The daughter lived in the same town as her mom and dad. As mom and dad aged, the daughter ultimately decided to move with her husband into the parents’  home to provide care for them. The father had dementia, and the mother had severe arthritis, making it very difficult to care for her home and her husband.

The parents ended up living 5 years until they both passed away. During that time, the daughter that moved in retired early from her teaching job and dedicated the majority of her free time to caring for her parents, especially in the final two years when they each ended up needing more and more care.

The daughter providing the care was truly grateful for the opportunity to be with her parents in the final years of their life and had never really thought about any sort of financial compensation. Things changed a bit, though, when it came time to divide up their parents’ assets. The daughter just assumed she and her husband would remain in the home once Mom and Dad passed, but the siblings who lived out of state had other plans. They wanted to sell the house and divide the profits evenly between the three of them. This is when the daughter who moved in to care for the parents began to think, “wait a minute, that’s not fair!”

(Related blog post: Disagreement Over Care Of Aging Parent)

Ultimately, this destroyed the relationship the three siblings had with each other. This argument led to each of them obtaining lawyers with the final decision of how to split up the assets being made by a judge. The sad part of this situation was that there was a good chance this could have been avoided. Beyond just the communication, it would have been best for the siblings to meet with a family planning attorney or a family mediator to determine what would be the most fair way to handle the care of Mom and Dad and to divide the assets once the parents passed. 

Tips for siblings providing care to aging parents.

Being proactive and working to anticipate any conflicts that might arise in care of aging parents is key to maintaining healthy relationships between siblings both while parents are alive and after they pass. With that, clarifying the expectations between siblings of who does what and how that might be compensated for is key. I understand that not all sibling relationships are good, even before parents start to require assistance. In these case, and really in any case that has potential to turn toxic, I would encourage meeting with a family mediator. And if the added care stretches beyond what was originally discussed among the siblings and mediators, meet again, and again. Clearly delineating the expectations among each other will likely save both relationships and money in the long run.  

I would like those of you reading this to use this as a precautionary tale. If you have not yet had the discussion amongst your siblings of how you will go about dividing up Mom or Dad’s care in the most fair way possible, please do not wait. 

Feeling overwhelmed with the process?

Afraid you may not make the right decision at the right time? This stage of life for you and your aging parent often brings more questions than answers. Reading information from a trusted source like me can help guide you in the process. However, if you still feel overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I am happy to help with a personalized plan for your unique situation.

© 2022 Jessica Kluetz, DO