[ photo by Gemma Evans ]

Memory care, considerations when deciding.

When your dad, who has been widowed for nearly ten years now, received his diagnosis of dementia, you both cried together when you were leaving his appointment. Dad was and always had been fiercely independent. Though he missed your mom, his drive to make the most of his golden years pushed him to move to an active senior community and develop a large social circle with several friends.

So when you began to notice him missing some basic things, it got you wondering a bit. Then you got a call from the local police. Your dad had been found sitting in his car late one night in the parking lot of his town’s local grocery store. He was scared because he was not able to find his way home.

And by home, he was looking for your childhood home, somewhere he had not lived in over eight years. This prompted you to have your dad see his primary care doctor who then referred him to a neurologist, who made the diagnosis.

Managing early stages of dementia.

As you both cried on the drive back to his apartment, you told him you would take care of him throughout the course of his dementia. You would not make him go to a nursing home. He ended up moving in with you, your husband and two teenagers a couple of years ago. Initially, when he was early in his diagnosis, things were pretty smooth.

You could still leave him alone during the day while you and your husband went to work. His medications were managed by you, but he was able to do most of his activities of daily living on his own. Though it was an adjustment having him there, you were actually grateful he was there, making memories with him in his latter years while your kids were still at home. 

Providing memory care at home can lead to high levels of stress.

Move forward a couple more years. His dementia progressed. He began to leave the house during the day and was found wandering around the neighborhood on one occasion. He could no longer be left alone at home, but you still needed and even wanted to work.

The decision was made to hire a caregiver to come in to be with him while you were at work. That worked well, but you and your husband missed being able to go out at night alone for your date nights. No spur of the moment trips. You were getting so tired from the constant worry and planning.

The thought of moving your dad into memory care lingered in the back of your mind, but you remembered you had promised him you would not send him to a nursing home. You did not feel you could do that to him even though you knew your health and marriage were starting to suffer.

You were actually beginning to resent your dad because he was stealing these years from you. You had raised your children and were nearing retirement, but you could not enjoy those days because of needing to worry about your dad.

Dementia, a tough diagnosis that may necessitate memory care.

It was all so much, so you decided to talk to a trusted professional who was a doctor that specialized in aging care.  She helped to talk you through the decision to go ahead and move your dad into a memory care facility. She reminded you that you were doing a great job with your dad and gave him the gift of many years with you and the grandkids, but you now needed to take care of yourself.

In doing so, your dad would receive great care at the right facility. Just because you were moving him did not mean you were leaving him entirely. You would now be free to take care of yourself and have all the time with him you wanted when you were feeling your best self.

Due to his continued cognitive decline, he was unable to be a part of the process to select the facility. You toured several places until you landed on the place you thought would be best for him. 

The right care at the right time will improve quality of life for all.

Now he has been in his new home for nearly a year. He is thriving there. Those first few months were tough, though. He constantly asked you when he was going to get to go back home and asked what he had done to make you move him. It was hard to hear. You felt so guilty.

The staff there was making such a great effort, however, to get him plugged in. There were daily activities. The staff began to learn his likes and dislikes. He even began to get to know a few of the other residents. Over the past year, you began to feel like you could breathe again.

You and your husband went on a couple of trips and were able to go out for dinner spontaneously. The stress of worrying about your dad gradually dissipated. It is so nice to visit him at his place and see that he is getting great care.

On occasion, you still wonder if you are being selfish. Generally, though, you are able to remind yourself that you do love him and want what is best for him and you remember that he wants what is best for you too. You are both doing well. You cherish the good memories you made with him and relish the fact that you can still make memories with him at his new memory care facility. 

Is memory care right for your situation?

The decision to keep a loved one with you versus having that person live at a nursing facility is not one that is usually approached lightly. There are pros and cons to both. Ultimately, through talking about it with professionals and people you trust, you can come to a decision that works best for your loved one and for you.

Please contact me or leave a comment if you have a question about memory care.

© 2020 Jessica Kluetz, DO