Caring For Your Aging Parent From Afar
[ photo by Monstera ]
Helping your aging parent from a distance is no easy task.
What do you do when you live far away from your aging parent and he or she is in the hospital or has a sudden change in functional status, requiring more support? That is a difficult situation.
I have had numerous patients in which this has happened, and their loved ones come in from out of town to assist. My patients in the hospital or rehabilitation generally really appreciate this, however, I know it is really hard on those needing to do the traveling. Life still goes on back at home. I do have some family members of patients who just cannot make the trip due to family or work obligations.
These are the situations that are very difficult--not just for the patient but for the patient’s family members who just cannot be present during this big, often life-changing, time. If you happen to be in that situation, how can you be there for your loved one without actually being physically present?
How to ‘be there’ from far away.
Many of the things I will say mirror what I have spoken on in previous posts regarding being there for your loved one, however, it just looks a bit different. The biggest thing you can do, which is the theme in advocating for your loved one when you can be physically present, is communication. Communication from a distance is much more difficult, I know, but it is still doable.
When your aging parent is first admitted to the hospital or rehabilitation center, the admitting nurse is usually the first one to speak with your loved one. Papers giving the consent for treatment must be signed on admission. If your loved one is conversant and of decision making capacity, then he or she will be able to sign those papers and answer the nurse’s questions.
It is during that time that your loved one will give names of who to contact in case of emergency. Let me encourage you to have this conversation prior to any hospitalizations as to who will be your loved one’s medical power of attorney. I could go on a tangent on this, but will reserve this for a future blog post regarding the importance of each of us taking the time to complete the necessary paperwork to establish our medical powers of attorney and healthcare wishes, i.e. living will.
So back to the patient giving names and numbers for contact in case of emergency...this is when your loved one would, hopefully, be able to provide this information. In many situations, your aging parent might not be able to provide any of this personal information and may not be able to sign admitting paperwork due to being incapacitated. These are the instances when your loved one’s admitting nurse will contact whomever is designated the legal guardian of the patient, either through legal paperwork completed previously by your loved one or the next of kin, per state laws.
Connect with the nurse caring for your aging parent.
When you are able to speak with your loved one’s admitting nurse, make sure to ask for the phone number of the unit on which your loved one is being cared for. Get the initial update with the admitting nurse and then try to establish when the best times to call for updates on your aging parent might be.
A nurse’s daily schedule is generally quite variable pending any acute changes in medical stability of his or her patients, however, there are usually some times that are better than others in calling for updates on your loved one. Plan to call at least twice a day early in your loved one’s stay. As your loved one becomes more stable in the hospital or becomes more adjusted to the new rehabilitation setting, you can back off on the frequency of calls. You certainly do not have to, however. It can be what you or your loved one feels more comfortable with.
In addition to establishing somewhat of a routine on when you get updates on your loved one, it is also important to leave any additional phone numbers for the nursing staff or physician to be able to reach you in case you are not able to be reached on the first number that is called. Make sure to let the nursing staff know you can be called should there be any question or acute change in your loved one’s status.
Communicate with the rest of the care team.
Your loved one’s nurse is an excellent source of information in regards to how your loved one is doing and will likely be the first one to contact you should there be any change in health status. In addition, it is also important to request that your loved one’s treating physicians also contact you. Every physician is different in how she completes her hospital rounds and updates to family members. Some will call immediately after seeing your loved one for the day and others might wait until they are settled in to complete all of their daily notes for their patients. It can make it tricky for you to know when to expect the call, but being somewhat flexible as to when you receive an update call from the physician is usually necessary.
Let me remind you that the approach, even from a distance, is extremely important, maybe even more so when you are trying to communicate from afar. I say this because more than likely, your communication will be moving through a chain of command. Ultimately, you will want to talk to your loved one’s treating physicians, however, the physician most likely will not be the one to answer that first call. Requesting an update from the physician in a firm but kind manner will significantly increase the chances of that message being relayed.
(Related blog post: How To Advocate For Your Loved One In The Hospital)
As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I do want to reiterate the importance of having one family member as the main representative/point of contact for your loved one’s care. If you have a family member who lives where your loved one is hospitalized, this might be the best person to have as the primary contact for the hospital staff. In these cases, this family member can often include you in the updates from nurses, physicians and case managers by calling you and placing you on speaker phone during the updates. Make sure that family member gets the okay from the updating staff member, but in general, it is not an issue.
(Related blog posts: Being Present For Your Aging Parent During Rehab, Communication Breakdown? Request A Family Conference)
Another excellent, but often overlooked point in helping to care for your hospitalized loved one from a distance is to determine who is her assigned case manager early in the hospital or rehabilitation stay. Once you know, reach out to her to establish a rapport with her. Your aging parent’s case manager is the person who is vital in setting up the post-hospitalization care. If you are talking regularly with the case manager, you will hopefully be able to have a bit more time to make decisions about where the post-hospital care and who might be providing those services.
(Related blog posts: Acute Versus Subacute Rehabilitation: What Is The Difference?, Mom Needs 24/7 Care…)
Finally, caring for your loved one when you are out of state often needs the assistance of someone who can be physically present. This is where I can help to coordinate those needs.
Feeling overwhelmed with the process?
Afraid you may not make the right decision at the right time? This stage of life for you and your aging parent often brings more questions than answers. Reading information from a trusted source like me can help guide you in the process. However, if you still feel overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I am happy to help with a personalized plan for your unique situation.
© 2021 Jessica Kluetz, DO