[ photo by Vlada Karpovich ]

Mom was just diagnosed with dementia and Dad needs a nursing home.

Being a physician that specializes in rehabilitation medicine and routinely caring for elderly patients, I am often asked by friends what the best options of care for aging parents might be. There are a lot of situations that are similar, but one thing I have learned is that there is no “one size fits all” answer for anyone. In this week’s post I would like to share a conversation I had with a client recently. Who knows? It may be a scenario similar to your own. And do not worry, if this one isn’t, I am sure I will be able to give you a scenario that will be a close match to your situation.

I spoke with a client not long ago who was contemplating moving her mom, who was recently diagnosed with dementia, to an assisted living facility closer to her so that she would be able to provide more hands-on assistance as her mom’s dementia progressed. She said her mom was early on in her diagnosis and was still, for the most part, able to do most activities of daily living for herself.

One of these things her mom was still able to do was to visit her husband (Dad to the person with the question) daily at the nursing home. He had been in the nursing home for a while now because his health had declined to the point that he was unable to care for himself and he required more assistance than his wife could handle on her own. This was where the questioner was struggling.

I don’t think she was struggling so much with the fact that her mom would likely not be able to live alone in her home for much longer but that she might need to move her mom away from her husband. I think this is a dilemma that many children of aging parents encounter.

Moving an aging parent is not easy.

My response to her was this, the decision to move an aging parent is never an easy one. I understand your mom has already displayed some signs that are worrying to you regarding her dementia, and that makes you want to have her close to you. That is understandable, but I am wondering if you have had this conversation with your mom to try to determine what she wants. These big moves tend to go better if there is buy-in by the person being moved. If she is a part of the decision making process, there is a greater likelihood she will be in more agreement with the plan.

Since your mom is still living in her own home, just the decision to move her from her own home is one that will likely be a very difficult one for her. To then have her leave the security of knowing she is going to see your father on a regular basis might be more than she wants to handle at this early stage of her dementia diagnosis.

Is there an assisted living facility nearby where your father’s nursing home is located? I have several patients that live in an assisted living facility that is on the same grounds as a nursing home where the spouse lives. The nursing home also contains a memory care unit. The spouse that lives in the assisted living facility is able to easily make his or her way over to the nursing home for regular visits with the significant other. The broad spectrum in levels of care allows for each person to transition to the appropriate level of care based on his or her individual needs while still keeping the spouse nearby.

I understand the need for you to be close to your mom as her cognition continues to decline, so are there any facilities near you that offer the spectrum of care from assisted living to memory care? Would it be an option to move your father and mother?

Planning ahead is vital.

I think it is wonderful that you are being proactive in your mother’s care, trying to address issues that might not yet have developed but are likely to do so. Hopefully both you and your mother will be able to come up with a plan together that will allow her to maintain her regular contact with your father as well as lighten the burden on you of worrying about your mother’s well being during the various stages of her dementia.

Are you currently navigating different levels of care for your aging parents? Leave your question in the Comments section or contact me directly.

© 2021 Jessica Kluetz, DO